As a former terminally ill patient myself - albeit with the miraculous recovery power of a Nazi war criminal after eluding extradition on medical grounds - I would like to draw your attention to my 2012 New Year's resolution which is to bring to earth - and not in that terrified fox-on-Boxing-Day-in-the-Chilterns, (may the High Speed Train tunnel its way through Lord Astor's living room way)- all Aesthetic Plastic surgeons. These being merely profiteering Frankensteins masquerading as healers and prepared to remove cut-price poisonous implants from their female victims only if the taxpayer bails them out like spoilt bankers. In fact all private health practitioners who triage patients not on the basis of their medical need but on their Standard and Poors' credit rating can crawl into a hole - preferrably the one with the aforemntioned High Speed train barrelling through it.

As a former newspaper columnist I would like to draw your attention to an observation that will be familiar to any parent, carer or teacher. You know how at least once in your life you will find in front of you a child who is repeatedly very very bad, but despite graduated sanctions, despite patient reasoning, despite the consensus of all the other children and adults, of every fictional role model from books or films or TV in comics or on Club Penguin, despite religion and culture and family and law and the very rules of language itself, will never admit he has ever done anything wrong. Well... Kelvin MacKenzie is that child.

As a former campaigner for equal rights I would like to draw your attention to the recently trumpeted fact that there are now a record number of women in FTSE 100 Boardrooms. Yes from 13% in 2010, today 15% of top Directors are female. This should do for ordinary women's lives at least as much as Dr Strangelove did for the disabled. Congratulations British capitalism on your burgeoning rainbow coallition. All we need are some British Stan O'Neals and all minorities and oppressed people
can rest assured anybody's aspiration can become a reality.

And as former playwright I would like to say that the silver anniversary re-boot of Les Miserables is alternately pompous, hysterical and twee with a hurried, careening narrative and cartoon characterizations bolted to a relentless, corny, corny score ( I have never heard so few tunes stretced across so much time since I was forced to take my niece to see saw Haircut 100 at the Odeon Hammersmith in 1982). Dickens meets Spinal Tap: could you make revolution, love and death less moving? I would trade £1m of revolving sets and 1m decibels of shouted songs for a single ounce of genuine feeling. As self-loving and over-coiffed as the 80's that spawned it... I'm told the book is quite good.

Yes dear followers, the date has changed but evidently FC Naylor hasn't.

FC Naylor

PS Good luck to Mark Hughes in 2012 although I fear "staying up" may be as great a challenge as its Carry On interpretation for my good self.